Your honor, this is definitely not a Christian radio station.
A rejected, Holiday-ish New Yorker piece that made me tehehe
HELLO!! Excuse me but how can there only be 9 days left until Christmas when mentally I’m still in 2009?!
Speaking of Christmas, I was looking back at all my old and lonely rejected humor pieces and found this one about Jesus music from a while back (Mommy’s sorry she ever forgot about you!!!). I remember writing it after trying to find a non-Jesus radio station while doing a roadtrip through the Bible Belt. I found it funny how so many Christian radio stations are “secretly” Christian. They reel you in with those catchy tunes and then BAM! Suddenly Jesus and the Lord are involved.
Anyways, here it is:
This is definitely not a Christian radio station.
98.5
Oh, hello. Welcome to The Light 98.5. Yes, that may sound like a potential Christian radio station name, but who can ever tell, right? Haha. Anyways, here’s a cool and normal song that kind of sounds like an Alanis Morissette song you might’ve heard once. Lalalala boom chicka chicka Jesus chicka chicka the Lord – oh did we say Lord? We meant love. That’s right, love and God and Jesus our Lord and savior boom chicka boom boom normal song normal song keep listening just keep listening –
101.2
In the latest news, a missing man was found on the street today and it turned out to be Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, wow an incredible coincidence! Hey, just thinking out loud here but maybe it’d be cool if we all joined him! Yay –
102.4
Hello, I’m a nice little old lady radio reporter. And no, just because I’m very old does not mean I’m affiliated to a Christian radio station. Anyways, isn't the weather beautiful? It’s going to be sunny all day. Also speaking of weather, sun and heavenly light have you ever thought about Jesus? Just curious. Because he’s really important and I think he could save you. Just don’t change the channel –
99.3
Welcome to Christ Christ and More Christ 99.3! Yes, you heard that right. Christ Christ and more Christ. 24 hours of Christ. Look, just give in, man. You’re driving through the Bible Belt. You clearly have no auxiliary cable so Spotify can’t help you. So why change the station? I’ll even throw in some real Alanis Morissette if you stick around long enough. How does that sound buddy –
103.5
You’re listening to Easy 103.5! Here’s Portugal. The Man for your easy listening –
98.5
Oh. Ouch. You accidentally just changed the ONLY non-christian radio station for miles, and now you’ll never find it again. Should’ve taken that Alanis Morissette deal when you had the chance. Now sit back, relax and listen to our 7 hour Bible reading!
That’s all for now! Happy holidays, ya filthy animals :)
<3 Kat
You hit the nail on the head with this one. Or should I say hands and feet?