The New Normal Won’t Be So Bad. Trust Me, I’m A Billionaire.
By: Kathryn Kvas and Vignesh Seshadri
Everyone’s concerned about what The New Normal will look like. But they shouldn’t worry so much. The New Normal will be a lot like the old normal. You can trust me, I’m totally normal. Yup, just your average ordinary guy, who also happens to be a billionaire.
We will still binge-watch Netflix, hire servants to bake sourdough, and sleep in a vat of lotion that cures death. Super normal stuff.
Just like the rest of you, I’ve been ordering a lot more takeout. In fact, every day I’ve been ordering a different Blood Boy to refresh my metabolic output. Got to do what you can to support those essential workers!
During the New Normal, we will stay at home more. Good thing I own 8.6% of the earth (mostly islands), so it’s not a big deal. Let me know what percentage of the earth you guys own, and which one of your islands you guys will live on while staying at home!
Now more than ever, we need sports to lighten the mood. But with sports cancelled, what are we to do?! That’s why I’ve decided to reanimate Ted Williams — who is currently being preserved in my cryogenic freezer. What a time to be dead and also infinitely preserved in cryoprotectants, amirite?!
In this New Normal we are still charitable, so nothing’s changed there. Speaking of charity, my employees have started a GoFundMe page asking for basic human rights. If you can spare something, please donate.
The government will aid in our wellbeing as any good government should. Simply look up to the sky and say “Hey Government, I will not be paying any taxes, and also I get to make up all my own laws.” It works! And like any good citizen, I also like to thank the government by saying “Who’s a good government?! Good govie!” Positive reinforcement is key in these uncertain times.
Speaking of made up laws, I just passed one where everyone has to call me God! See? The New Normal is so fun! You can trust me, I’m literally God now!
As you can see, The New Normal isn’t all that different. Oh look, Ted Williams has finally opened his glowing green eyes. Let’s go play ball!
ALT: As you can see, The New Normal isn’t all that different. Anyways, see you at the temple on Sunday, devout Billionaire worshipers!